Have been working on my memoirs recently (Working title: “Attention Span Short” and in the coming posts will be sharing excepts from the current draft.
Enjoy
Below follows a current working version of About the Author:
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I came into this world with a minimum of fuss on February 22nd, as did our first President, George Washington. This date of birth and my (now vestigial) middle name are the sum total of all that the great man and I have in common, and our differences could not be more sharp:
Washington stood at 6 feet 5 inches, an extraordinary height even today.
I clock in at 5 foot 6-3/4 inches if I stand up really straight as my mother repeatedly tried but failed to get me to do.
Washington is justifiably regarded as the “Father of our country”.
Just two fiercely independent children was all I could manage.
A Virginian, Washington is said to have spoken with a Southern drawl.
My speech harbors pungent residuals of the South Bronx; as yet no one has mistaken me for a Virginian.
A youthful Washington confessed to chopping down his father’s cherry tree.
As a devoted heirloom fruit-tree hobbyist, over the years I have personally planted a goodly number of cherry trees. I have never owned an axe.
Washington was elected President by “unanimous consent” (meaning that anyone who at that time had the vote gave it to Washington).
I advanced no further in politics than Mayor of my home town, San Anselmo, California, swept into office by a landslide margin of four votes.
History records that George Washington’s greatest personal pleasure was galloping about on his favorite horse, Nelson, even when he had no particular place to gallop to.
I was once – and only once – talked into getting on a horse – for a “scenic three-hour leisurely saunter around the island”; I believe it to be the longest three hours of my life.
Having lost all his teeth to dental caries, Washington relied upon wooden dentures.
I have all my teeth. Thus far not a single cavity.
Washington owned upwards of 50 slaves possessing in the aggregate every skillset needed to keep a plantation running.
I’m fortunate if I can find one plumber who can work me into his schedule by the end of the month.
Biographers report that throughout Washington’s long life he was intimate with but one woman and one woman only – Martha.
My numbers are a bit different.
Finally, it’s been said famously that Washington “could never tell a lie”.
I’ve just written my memoirs.
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