How To Lose An Election

America’s demographics are changing drastically and in a way distinctly unfavorable to Republicans; the only way Republicans can win elections in the future are:

If they break all the rules and maybe a few laws such as those that put strict limits on gerrymandering; if they use Statehouse tricks; or redraw strongly blue districts out of statistical existence – all in the name of rooting out (non-existent) voter fraud; continue to make it ever more difficult for voters of modest means or of color to cast their vote; redeploy Putin’s 2016 hackers; force Trump to keep his mouth shut and provide time and space for the Democrats to do something really stupid.

Like nominating Elizabeth Warren.  If they do I’d vote for her.  Even put a sign on my lawn.  But very few Caucasian men, frankly any man working without a tie, is likely to vote for his old elementary school teacher, especially if that teacher constantly harassed him about his handwriting, spelling, reminding him that unless he changed his ways he wasn’t going to make much of himself.  Especially because she was right.  His handwriting remains sloppy, he still can’t spell and look where he is now – in a soul-sucking job, struggling to pay the mortgage on a house he really can’t afford, hoping that that new lump on the back of his neck is nothing since he has to come up with a $500 co-pay for any visits to the doctor, and is about to vote a second time for a make-believe strongman whose ego and self-esteem is actually even more fragile than his own.

But I fear the Democrats won’t be content with simply one catastrophic error.  They’re also going to continue to push impeachment, rather than encouraging Trump to self-destruct with the electorate between now and next November – something he’s pretty good at.  Going at him in that way and then in all probability failing will give Trump yet another club with which to beat them on their heads come the election.  Or Trump puts to the test the boast that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and still get elected to any office of his choice.  I can see him getting dueling legal again, challenge a ratty long-haired peace activist to pistols on the corner of 42nd Street and 5th Avenue, shoot him dead and just as he predicted get acquitted.  As the foreman of the jury would explain after rendering the verdict, “It was clear he was merely trying out his pistol to see if it works.”

Or worse: Trump is impeached, fried in the Senate and convicted, leaving us with Pence to run in his place, a man every bit as awful in his politics as Trump but who, unlike Trump, is also competent – and highly electable.  He is also very smart.  He guessed this might happen which is why he took such a god-awful job and has hung in there.

In a world of seemingly only unpalatable choices I ask which would you rather have, a stupid, incompetent and ineffective fascist or a very bright, capable and commanding one – who I understand hated his elementary school teacher.

Bottom line: as my elementary school soccer coach said when he declined to coach the women’s soccer team: “A woman’s got to know her place!”

And Elizabeth Warren’s place is not the Democrats’ nominee for president.  Her place is in the Senate, perhaps Senate Majority Leader, and then down the road Ambassador to North Korea or China.  Or back in my elementary school, PS91, teaching geography.

On her place on the ticket would be the good-humored, entertaining Roosevelt/ Clinton charismatic, chivalrous guy who can get the audience in the debate and the voters in the booths to laugh at rather than vote for this crooked buffoon of a president.  Trump has no sense of humor.  On rare occasions he can craft a funny sarcastic crack about someone else (“Pocahontas”) but is incapable of laughing at himself. He takes himself very, very seriously.  A perfect target.